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(The Tabard, Chiswick W6. Dec 27th 1992 to Jan 11th 1993)

This was the second production in which we capitalised on the emerging talents of Keith Bursnall and Toby Collins as cabaret duo Bent Double. Since I had been performing gay cabaret since 1972, it seemed worth pillaging our respective song catalogues and cobbling together a Christmas show.

The pretext for this was two gay men (Eric and Keith) who share a flat and are forced to spend Christmas together. They are joined by Toby, who is Keith’s last night bit of Trade, but is now hung over and stuck with them when passion has faded, because there is no transport out of there until Boxing Day. Eric is the one who wants to recreate the traditional Christmas of his childhood – full dinner, paper hats, party games and all. Keith just wants to watch old musicals on the TV, and Toby just wants – OUT!

As well as giving us a chance to give existing songs an outing, we had the opportunity to write linking songs specially for the show together, and Keith and Eric worked up the script, largely from improvisation.

To quote from the Press Release:

Take One

Three men. Trapped. Together. The smell of fear. The heat of maleness.

Three men. Trapped. Together. Free spirits in a hostile environment.

They escaped from one Hell, only to find themselves in another. There is no escape. They are subjected to torture, humiliation, brainwashing. Can they survive? Will they crack up under the mindless boredom of captivity?

They have only each other. But can they trust each other? Treachery and betrayal abound. Sex rears its familiar head. Fierce jealousy, deep-seated rivalry, ugly passions seethe and bubble beneath the surface.

And all the time, external disaster looms. The story culminates in an orgy of hysteria, destruction and betrayal.

Take Two

Three men. Trapped. Together. [ERIC: I just thought, if you weren’t doing anything else for Christmas….] The smell of fear. The rush of excitement. The heat of maleness. [TOBY: These leather trousers are killing me….]

Three men. Trapped. Together. Free spirits. [KEITH: Well, duty-free actually…] In a hostile environment. [KEITH: Bloody Hell! Not “Highway” already!]

They escaped from one Hell. [ERIC: Have you met my family?] Only to find themselves in another. [ERIC: Oh, come on. Just one little game….] There is no escape. [TOBY: First bus, 9am Boxing Day…] They are subjected to brainwashing. [TV: Sale starts Boxing Day!] Torture. [TV: We gorra lorra lorra laffs tonite] and humiliation [ERIC: Oh come on, it’s easy…] Can they survive? Will they crack up under the mindless boredom of captivity?

They have only each other. But can they trust each other? Treachery and betrayal abound. [KEITH: You told him I was Colonel Mustard?!] Sex rears its familiar head. [TOBY: How about a game of Postman’s Cock? ERIC: I won’t ask…] Fierce jealousy. [KEITH: I wanted the red one!] Deep-seated rivalry. [ERIC: There’s no such word as “brangle”…] Ugly passions seethe and bubble beneath the surface. [TOBY: These leather trousers are killing me!]

And all the time, external disaster looms. [ERIC: Shit, I forgot the pudding!]

The story culminates in an orgy of hysteria, destruction and betrayal. [KEITH: Eric, do you really need a Sabatier carving knife to play “Sardines”?]

But after all, it is only 24 hours. And it is Christmas.